Grace Under Fire – aka how to F(L)AIL

How to coordinate a major meeting of over 100 people in just ONE afternoon:

I highly advise that you do NOT attempt this – Ever.

1. Insist that all 23 summaries and presentations be complete and placed in the proper shared folder on the network no later than end-of-business TWO days prior to the meeting. (Then have no one comply)

2. Set a new deadline for 4pm the day before the meeting and justify that time to yourself by repeating the mantra ‘I just need to make copies, I just need to make copies’. (Then spend time flaling as 50% of the people did not comply to the prescribed file naming convention and you now have no clue which presentation corresponds with which agenda item… Also, smile and be courteous to the individuals lined up at your desk to make changes after the deadline)

3. Rename all of the files so that you correct the problem stated in #2 and sort out one original copy so that everything is in order. Locate the one and only color copy machine with the ability to 3-hole punch documents. (Then have said machine error out and permajam. Take a deep breath and thank the gods that you’re in good with the IT guy who incidentally happens to be standing right next to you at the time of the jam)

4. Thank IT guy for his help and finish making copies. Realize that the last HUGE batch did not get 3-hole punched. Also, on your way back to your desk, realize that the building is deserted, check the time and say to yourself, “Oh, that’s why.” (Then get a page that is apparently missing from That Guy™ who always gets things to you late and doesn’t appear to care because apparently the world and all things in it revolve around him – Also, smile and thank him when he hands it to you)

5. Make MORE copies … punch holes in two-thirds of the documents that apparently missed the hole punching. (Then silently sigh as you realize it’s now 6:30)

6. Sort all copies into complete, 3-hole punched packets and pull out the report covers. (Then smile because the report covers are red and pretty)

7. Put 17 completed packets into 17 pretty, red report covers. (Then smile because no number dividers are needed)

8. Take two copies and put them into large, 3-ring binders for the two top cheeses. (Then do not fail at making certain each summary is separated by a numbered divider – even though each summary is one-page)

9. Stack all completed reports and check the time to see that it’s now 7:00 – smile. (Then double-check everything and question that you MUST be missing something)

10. Decide that there’s nothing more you can do and close up to head home. (Then realize that ALL of the lights are out – except your area – and you just might set off the alarms as you exit the building…just go because at this point you don’t care and it just might make you laugh anyway. Also note that it is now 7:30)

THE NEXT DAY:

1. Get up, ready and out the door by 6:30. (Then convince yourself that there is no reason to have left at 6:00)

2. Arrive to work AFTER picking up the breakfast spread from Panera and realize you have 10 minutes to set up. (Then put out bagels and accessories in a reasonable fashion and have the receptionist tell you that you that you did it ALL WRONG as she rips apart what you did. SMILE as you cringe internally knowing that you still have AV to set up for an 8:00 start time… Also, note that it is 7:30)

3. Fire up everything in the control room and realize that the network is down. (Then smile as you remember you have the IT guy on speed dial…)

4. Because the IT guy can’t fix the problem in time for the meeting, run to your desk to put EVERYTHING on a thumb drive. (Then have someone call you to make a last-minute change to their presentation… smile as you tell them NO)

5. At one minute to 8:00, breathe a sigh of relief as the presentation begins and everything seems to be running smoothly. (Then realize that the mic isn’t working – Smile when they choose to continue without it)

6. Once the adrenaline subsides, realize that it’s freezing in the control room. (Then giggle when you notice the frost developing on your eyelashes)

7. Smile as the Assistant to the CEO and Chairman applauds your efforts citing that everything went very smoothly. (Then take a deep breath and feel very accomplished as you’ve just managed a HUGE task – take the credit for it)